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Why do deep conversations feel so awkward to start?

Deep conversations feel less awkward than people expect

Kardas, Kumar & Epley (2022) · Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

Illustrative — the direction is the finding. Schematic. People over-predict awkwardness most for the topics that matter most.

Deep conversations felt less awkward, and produced more connection and more happiness, than the people having them expected. The mis-prediction was largest for exactly the deeper topics — people are most wrong about the conversations that matter most.

How it was done

Experiments assigning people to have either shallow or deep conversations, measuring predicted awkwardness and connection beforehand against reported experience afterwards.

What it means

People systematically over-predict awkwardness and under-predict connection, and they do it more as the topic gets more substantive. So the bias is worst precisely where the cost of avoidance is highest.

One proposed mechanism: people underestimate how interested others are in them, so they expect a deep disclosure to land in indifference. It generally does not.

This is the same shape as the reaching-out finding. The forecast is wrong; the experience is better than the forecast.

What it doesn’t show

Conversations in these studies were assigned, often between strangers, in a setting where both parties knew they were in a study — all of which lowers the real-world stakes. It does not follow that any given deep conversation with any given person will go well.

What Kept does about it

It rules out one tempting product direction. Kept does not coach conversations or supply prompts to go deeper; the evidence says people do fine once they start, and the difficulty is upstream of that.

Read the source

Kardas, Kumar & Epley (2022)Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

Confidence: A — meta-analysis, replicated finding, or official body. We don’t publish anything weaker than this.

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