Tracking individual inputs is characteristic of exchange relationships, not communal ones. Where closeness is wanted, prompt repayment of a benefit reduces attraction rather than increasing it.
How it was done
A long research programme distinguishing two norms: exchange relationships, where benefits are given to incur or repay obligation, and communal relationships, where they follow from concern for the other person’s welfare.
What it means
This is the theoretical name for why personal CRMs feel unpleasant. They import exchange machinery — ledgers, follow-ups, pipelines, last-contacted dates — into relationships governed by a different norm, where that machinery is itself a violation.
The distinction gives a usable line. Tracking what someone needs and what they told you is communal. Tracking who owes whom a message is exchange.
The same content can fall on either side depending on framing. "Her mum is having surgery in March" is a need. "You have not messaged her in 47 days" is a balance.
